UK Update 3/18

• A Two Woman Hamlet. I don’t know how to fully articulate how amazing this experience has been. Perhaps the best way to illustrate my adoration for the three other women with whom I’ve worked (Nora, Sharmila, and Lolly) is to talk about my most recent therapy session. “I’m just so worried,” I explained to my lovely therapist, “that since everything is going so well and we are all getting along, that means that something bad is going to happen. We’re going to get to know each other SO well that we grow to hate each other or MAYBE they never really liked me to begin with and they’re just pretending to like me or MAYBE–”
• And then my therapist cut me off and taught me the word “catastrophizing.” It’s a cognitive distortion. Essentially, this is your anxiety talking, Deanna, not facts. We may very well get sick of each other as we move forward with the process, but we’re all professional individuals who (I believe) are capable of taking a step back if and when that happens.
• Part of the struggles with A Two Woman Hamlet was (of course) learning lines. I haven’t been in a show since 2022, and the rehearsal process for this production was quite short. But I still had expectations of what I was supposed to achieve and learning the lines should have been a walk in the park. But, of course, they weren’t. I struggled a lot and rather than making me feel awful or yelling at me, Nora (and the rest of the crew) were so encouraging.
• There was a three-day stretch there where we didn’t have any rehearsal, and I’d given myself the deadline of learning ALL OF MY LINES within those three days. The night before we went back to rehearsal, I realized that I was barely off book for Act 1 and called Lauren, Melody, and Allison crying. I didn’t want to let my team down, and I was beating myself up because I should have started learning lines sooner. (At this point, we still had about two weeks before opening but darn it Sharmila was basically completely off book and I didn’t want to disappoint her!)
• Of course, Lauren, Melody, and Allison talked me off a ledge, and when I went into rehearsal the next day, I was honest about my struggles in learning the lines. Sharmila hadn’t arrived yet but Lolly and Nora showered me with encouragement and praise, assuring me that I was doing a great job and that what we were attempting to do was very demanding. Their praise prompted me to tell them how amazing they both were. And when Sharmila arrived, we had to shower her with praise, too! It was a very sweet, loving, and uncomplicated moment of four women believing in each other.
• Furthermore, one day I wasn’t feeling 100% mentally (we all have blue days). I messaged Nora beforehand just to tell her that I was physically fine, but I didn’t feel like myself so if I was quieter or slower at rehearsal, that was why. She very lovingly told me that if I wasn’t feeling up to it, I didn’t have to come into rehearsal, but I hypothesized (correctly) that getting out of my apartment and doing crazy Shakespeare stuff might shake me out of this mental funk. She told me that if I (at any time) needed to leave rehearsal, there would be no questions asked. I don’t know if this solely had to do with me, but when I got to rehearsal, Nora began our warm-ups with a dance party. And it helped a lot. It’s a rare thing to find a leader who actually listens and understands mental health issues. Thanks, Nora.
• And, yes, we are moving forward with A Two Woman Hamlet. I had coffee with the crew last week so we could talk about fringe festivals. The dates have not been officially solidified, but it looks as though we are definitely taking A Two Woman Hamlet to Camden Fringe this August which is neat.
• Speaking of Camden Fringe, I am officially taking my one-woman show there: August 15th – 17th. Three performances, all at 4:30pm at Hen & Chickens Theatre.
• The show (Dead Doves and Lemons OR Everything You’ve Ever Wanted To Know About Fan Fiction (but were too afraid to ask)) (yes, it’s a long title) was technically written for my Performance Project class, but I was having so much fun with it and was so intrigued by the idea of a fringe festival that I just decided to jump head first into the world of fringe theatre.
• However, I had been so focused on A Two Woman Hamlet that I put Dead Doves and Lemons very much on the back burner. Perhaps it was not the greatest of moves to sign up for fringe festivals and start touting a show that was still a work-in-progress. My showcase was last week; thus, any respite after ATWH was short-lived as I jumped almost immediately into putting the finishing touches on my script, adding some sound cues, and hoping for the best. I had been workshopping the show with some of my classmates and they had very nice things to say about the piece, but they all have (at least some) basic understanding of the fan fiction world. I was terrified that the show wasn’t funny – to anyone but especially to people who have never heard of Archive of Our Own.
• My fears were assuaged when I came in for a tech run with Lakeside’s Samuel and Harry. I kept hearing hearty chuckles from the light booth during the run of my show, and that gave me some confidence that I was headed in the right direction and this thing I’d been calling a comedy was, indeed, a comedy.
• And then the actual showcase went very well! I got some really great feedback on the show and my professors commended me for doing so much in a short amount of time.
• I know (I KNOW) that if you follow me on any of the social media platforms, you’ve already heard this but please allow me to shoot my shot. We still have a fundraiser going on through The University of Essex for Dead Doves and Lemons. The school hosts a crowdfunding platform for students to tackle projects. I’ve been told that asking for £3,000 is ambitious and probably won’t happen, but I’ll be ambitious and try. We’re currently at £1,034 which is amazing. (Here’s a link if you’re interested or want to learn more). Alright, thank you for allowing me to beg for money AGAIN. (And thank you to everyone who has donated already! I have to write Amanda Schumacher a piece of fan fiction. I’m guessing she’s going to ask for an Arnold/Helga fic, but I could be wrong.)
• I’d like to maybe be able to take the show back to Milwaukee for a few performances so I can show all my friends and family what I’ve been working on, but we’ll see… ;)
• Between A Two Woman Hamlet and Dead Doves and Lemons, I’ve had a lot of photos taken of me. And the ATWM photos are ones that I don’t have control over. As someone who has struggled for the vast majority of her life with body dysmorphia, it’s been shocking, scary, enlightening, terrible, and amazing all at the same time. I have a theory that we don’t like the way we look because we don’t look at ourselves enough; thus, we get shocked when we actually see ourselves. I look at my friends all the time because they’re right there in front of me and so I know that they might have a double chin or frizzy hair or yellowish teeth, but I don’t gawk at it because that’s just who they are. It’s them and I love them. Furthermore, those features take a backseat to the better attributes (both physical and personality-wise). We rarely have a chance to become accustomed to our own visage because we aren’t staring at ourselves the way that others are staring at us. What I’m trying to say is: go take some pictures of yourself and learn to love your beautiful face, gosh darn it!
• I wrote a short story for Creative Writing Workshop last term, and it was published in a book of prose and poetry! Yay! Cannibalism!
• Some of you might remember that when I first came here to the UK and found myself a GP, there was an issue with my ADHD medication. It was a confusing time because the first doctor I spoke to told me that I would have to get re-diagnosed but the waiting list to see a specialist was two years and there wasn’t much I could do BUT THEN the second doctor I spoke with said that they could most likely refill my medication right there due to something-or-other-NHS-medical-jargon-stuff. This second doctor got me my medication and things were going swimmingly. (Everyone at the pharmacy looks so sad when I say that I have to pay for my medication, but my Elvanse is £9 (about $11) here and cost me $70 back home…so I don’t really mind.
• ANYWAY, things were going swimmingly until December. I got an email from my doctor’s office while I was in Scotland for Christmast saying that as of March 31st, I would have to get my ADHD medication through someone else (I’d have to find a specialist rather than do it through my general practitioner.) The email was addressed to me, but it was also very much directed at the government and Essex politicians: “These services, historically provided by secondary care, have in recent years moved into primary care but without the necessary resources to deliver them…There have been numerous requests in recent years to Suffolk and North-East Essex ICB that they properly commission and resource this…As they have chosen not to commission these services from us we have concluded that this work needs to transfer back to the hospital.” Essentially, the NHS is VERY underfunded and understaffed and GPs simply can’t have this extra bit of work. Which I understand. But is frustrating.
• Because they gave me until March 31st, you’d think that would be plenty of time to find a specialist. And I did find one. And I asked my GP to refer me. And they did. And I filled out some forms. But scheduling an appointment can take 16 weeks (or more!). I got all the paperwork in at the beginning of February so theoretically that’s when my 16 weeks began. I’m getting my Elvanse next week so I will definitely have enough through April but what happens after that, I’m not sure. It’s not the two years that I was originally told, and I’m a bit more comfortable with going off my medication in the summer, compared to right in the middle of classes. The real issue, however, isn’t the lack of concentration (which is annoying) that comes from going off Elvanse but the withdrawal symptoms. My depression takes a nosedive and I have really blue days. The best thing I can do right now is keep checking in with my specialist, taking care of myself, and being honest with people if I am having bad mental days.
• Despite all the wonderful things happening, my depression has been pretty awful lately. It’s not all the time, but when it does rear its head, it’s suffocating. I visited my GP today to A) absolutely positively verify that they were definitely going to cut me off of Elvanse starting March 31st (they are) and B) Was there anything we could do with my depression medication given how low I’ve been feeling lately? I know that everyone in the medical field is running on fumes so I’m trying to give my doctor some grace, but his bedside manner is (to put it mildly) not great. When I brought up the depression medication, he looked at my file and said, “Well, you’re on a pretty low dose right now. We can just double it. You wanna double it?” Theoretically, doubling the dosage sounds fine, but the nonchalant way he discussed it felt very…off. And then he rambled off, “With stuff like this, sometimes things get worse before they get better so if you have suicidal thoughts, call a helpline or 111. Right. Anything else I can do for you?” I suppose I’m grateful that we’re talking candidly about mental health and thoughts of self-harm; it’s good that it’s not a taboo subject one “simply does not discuss”…but perhaps we could do with a little more sensitivity.
• I’m still struggling with finding work; to be perfectly frank, it’s been incredibly frustrating. THREE TIMES now I have gone in for an interview, felt it went very well, was assured that they were comfortable working with someone on a Student Visa, and then just never heard back from them. Twice it was for an afterschool teaching/daycare role and the last was for a local theatre. I call. I email. Nothing. They ghost me without so much as a, “We decided to go in a different direction.”
• I’ve gotten into the habit of buying myself flowers every week when I go grocery shopping. I recently discovered that there’s an Aldi nearby, and they usually have a “bargain bin” of day-old flowers that are still in pretty good shape. It’s cheap and brightens up my room a little. I’m currently enjoying a small bouquet of “rainbow” tulips here on my desk.
• I’m going to London this weekend because my (platonic) wife Melody is acting on Shakespere’s Globe!!!
• I’m also going to Portugal in July with Melody and we’ll be catching up with Lauren! I have not seen Lauren since September and I’m so excited to sit on the Portugal beach with two of my favorite people and just chill.
• Last thing: I’m sure I’ve talked about this before, but it bears repeating. I was nervous to study anything having to do with creative writing (once upon a time I said I would NEVER go to school for creative writing) because so much of this process is subjective. “What if my professor simply doesn’t like my style and then fails me?” I’m happy to report that that is not the case. Moreover, there’s so much of life (and so much of theatre) that feels like a competition. There has to be a winner: someone who is the best. But working with my classmates hasn’t felt like that. They create something that is amazing, and the amazingness of their art doesn’t take away from the amazingness of my art. We can both be artists creating something and making the world a better place without having to choose one over the other. I haven’t been to many fringe festivals, but I’m anticipating seeing a lot this summer and autumn, and I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m going to enjoy myself. We’re all artists creating our own work. We need each other.

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